Skill Pornography

This one takes an explanation.

Once upon a time, I loved (and love still), books on interior decorating in a Japanese/Modernist fashion. They are awesome. Upon seeing my lavish collection of tomes, one of my friends remarked “Hey, nice house porn.”

I said “What?”

“You know, House porn. Houses you’ll never, ever live in cause they’re too extreme, or too expensive, but that you lust after anyways.”

Ah ha, I said. Well, I’m keeping those books. But I’ve found a terrible cousin: skill porn, ie, books or materials, that by buying them, arbitrarily made me think I could do the skill they talked about or equipped. Let’s count some of these objects, shall we?

1. Skiing Jacket with goggle wipe attachment, buckles and crap I don’t even know how to work. There are a number of toggles for holding the inevitable iPod, even little sleevelets inside the main sleeve that go over your thumb and tuck into your gloves. I can barely ski on Wii Fit, why do I own this? Another multiple hundred dollar bargain from Dillards.

2.Boxed Writing Set with Glass Blown Pens. A gift from my wonderful wife from a museum that I just HAD to have. Why? I wanted to write cool letters. So I bought Crane stationery, and a Bombay company writing desk. None of which enhanced the utter crap which is my penmanship. Wish I had all that cash back. Now what to do with it? eBay.

3. Giant Coke Bottle Bank. Oh, how this beckoned from the window of Spencer’s Gifts circa 1992. Oversize novelty items were the shiznit, and I had to have it. Years later, dusty and forlorn, I pull it out of storage to give to my best friend from middle school, who also admires it. Now it’s his problem. Oh yeah, I suck at saving money, especially coins easily spent in vending machines, thus why this one counts as skill porn also.

4. Books on damn near anything: poker, Japanese, etc. All skills I want, but not at the cost of doing something. How I loathe these the most. Most all of them are gone – except Japanese, cause I took a year of it once. I know I can do it again.

5. Exercise anything. I loathe exercise, and even now am struggling to return to Wii Fit. Maybe tonight. But now I’m hungry.

The vast majority of my junk falls into the skill porn level – oh, I’d love to have it, but I’ll never put the work in cause I just don’t care that much. What wastes of cash do you have rotting around your house doing nothing?

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9 responses to “Skill Pornography

  1. That’s too funny! I’m sure I have a ton of stuff like that around my apartment but I’m too lazy right now to look it up! Great post though!

  2. Funny entry! Like Dan, i’m positive I have ALOT of utterly useless crap just layin around. I’m too lazy to look right now but i’ll check around later and post what i’ve found.

  3. Well, I got a lot of porn pornography on my harddrive just taking up space. I didn’t pay anything for them though, just spent a lot of time collecting/finding it. I can’t get myself to rid of it but I’ll never use any of it again.

  4. Well, I found a BIG box full of baseball cards. Your probably wonderin what’s so bad about that? Well, first of all i’m not into basebal AT ALL! Or sports in general! Iv’e NEVER been into sports. Iv’e had these cards since I was a kid and for some reason iv’e never thrown them away. I can’t figure out why either. For years theyv’e just been takin up space. I don’t even know why I bought them in the first place. The box also has a BUNCH of random scribbles on it that I wrote when I was kid. LOL! Oh man readin some of this stuff, I can’t help but wonder what was goin through my head when I wrote it. I think i’ll just end up doin what Terror Claws is doin, sell em.

  5. I think my response got spam blocked, since I couldn’t resist throwing in a link to the Han Solo Cross Stitch Sampler…my short answer is: craft crap 😀

  6. Is it sad that I actually knew what you meant by skill porn? I’ll confess to leaving out magazines that make me look more sophisticated than I really am. But don’t we all do it in one way or another?

  7. I’m having trouble commenting on X-E.
    Everytime I try to submit a comment, it shows some WordPress thing that says that Javascript knows my cookie is enabled but something called PHP doesn’t.
    What do I dooo?

  8. I am so #5. I have several “as seen on tv” exercise gadgets, most of which I never even bothered to assemble.

  9. Hazard, I got the same error message too. Just e-mail Matt if it’s still blockin you. That’s what I did.

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